Some Perspective

I have been going through a mini crisis this last week. I have gotten into a funk where I feel sorry for myself, and miss the old days of "being useful", or "important". By that I have meant working. I have been missing keeping up to date on things, people wanting my opinion on things, professional meetings, learning new stuff, dressing up, you name it. What really spawned it was that Brian had a dinner last night with an organization that I don't remember the name of to congratulate him on getting his CPA and I went. For a week I worried about people asking me what I do. I thought way too much about my answer, and when most sorry for myself decided I would answer "nothing". Last night when asked, at least 3 times, I said stay at home mom, and then mentioned my degree and previous career. I am a proud person, yes. After leaving dinner I went on and on about how I miss people taking me serious, needing me, consulting me me me me me...

Driving home alone (Brian and I drove separately because he left work to go there), I realized how pathetic I had being in the last week, and decided to give a little prayer for some guidance. The answer came through today with a trip to the zoo.

Today is one of those days where it would be hard to find a person to not call the weather perfect. The temp was just at warm, with a nice breeze. It is sunny, and after a lot of cold mess. I took Ellis, Kennedy, and Lainey to the zoo. It wound up being just us because the friend we were meeting had a blow out on the interstate, thank God they weren't hurt.

For the first hour we walked around. It wasn't very busy so I let the kids walk holding hands. We looked at the animals, pointed things out, pet goats, and then decided to have lunch. We sat under some trees at a picnic table near the zebras. I was still in my rut at this time. Anyway, all 3 kids set by each other on a bench that was much to high up for them to easily get on, and too far from the table for them to easily eat there lunch. Being 1,2, and almost 3, they just aren't quite big enough. But they balanced, and were proud and ate, very happily. I took a second to look at them. Eating peanut butter sandwiches, smiling, laughing, singing songs together, balancing, and they looked so sweet. I was upset I forget my camera for a second, but then I was glad, because I took a moment to take them in. All three of those kiddos, are so different, and amazing, and happy. Ellis is a careful keeper or his freedom, curious, and a rule follower. When I let the kids walk with some freedom today, he obeyed very carefully. He loved walking on his own to look at a exhibit, and pointing out what he saw. He thrives when he has clear cut boundaries, and usually never pushes too hard so that he can keep a privilege. He loves learning, is starting to ask questions, and is quite serious sometimes. Kennedy is a careful keeper of her freedom, a nurturer, and a helper. She listens well, but is also always a cheerleader for her friends. She claps for my kids, cheers, and was the first to volunteer to hold hands to help out Lainey. She plays baby dolls and is always feeding, rocking, and taking care of them. She wants all to be well with those she loves. Lainey is social, loving, and when giving her freedom loses all control. She could not handle walking just holding hands with her brother and Kennedy today. She wanted to look on her own, screamed when I tried to hold her hand, wanted to say hi to others, without our help. When she feels freedom it is like she is intoxicated and goes full speed ahead and loses control. With that she never ate baby food, has always insisted on feeding herself, and is already potty training. She is so fiercely independent.

These children are beautiful, and so fun to be around. They were sitting there on the bench together, giggling, having a blast, and I felt important. My two kids have these different amazing personalities, and it is my privilege to raise them into the people they are going to be. I have to look out for my careful keeper, nurture him, never make him feel stupid, answer all of his questions as best I can,  push him when he is afraid to take a leap of faith. I have to protect my free spirit, never hold her back to hard as to squash her light, but to reign her in when she needs guidance, and let her make some mistakes because that is how she will learn best. And I know I will get to watch Kennedy grow up, and I know she has wonderful parents, and that will be a privilege too. I am so over my week long pity party, I love these kids, I love this day. I am Ellis and Lainey's mother, how could I be anymore important?