Some More Perspective

A few months ago, about 7 actually, I had a mini crisis with being a stay at home mom. I wrote this post as I worked it out with myself.

Over the last several months there has been many changes in our household. Diet, and eating foods as natural as possible has been a big focus, for one thing. Eating healthier has majorly impacted my life, and health. It has helped me lose weight without trying, WORD! It has brought me to be more appreciative and thoughtful of what we eat, and more prayerful over it too.

So as a result for the first time Brian and are I church going folk. We aren't going for social activities, or because we think we are supposed to. We are going to fill the void, that only faith can fill.

As I have progressively gotten busier, I have learned how to better slow down. I am taking time for myself, keeping centered much better, and keeping things in perspective.

One of the most gradual changes that has maybe had the most impact on me so far is how I see myself and being a mother. I think in this culture it is constantly being pounded into our heads to have a "me first" kind of attitude. Even a few months ago I was feeling sorry for myself and what all I had "gave up" to be a mother.

• First thing is your body, and both my babies never took a bottle. Nursing is very selfless. For the first year or so of their life, only I could feed them when it came to milk. Every night, every time.
• My identity. You are very much not yourself when you fall helplessly in love with a child, and you have this new role, and it is important, and you don't get days off. Unless something awful happens, you are always a mother period.
• My career. I chose to stay home with my children. One reason is because in my family any other option would get some serious scrutiny. So that is what even started me on staying at home. The second reason was as a social worker, there would not be much money left after childcare. Also because of being a social worker, I totally don't trust anybody. Seriously. Then of course when I had Ellis and looked at him, there is no way even if I had planned on working I could have left him. Much to my surprise I turned out being one of those moms. He was mine mine mine. He was 9 weeks old and I left him with my mother for a few hours to go to a wedding, and I about didn't survive. Mine mine mine, that little baby is MINE!
• My social life as I knew it at the time. For a few short months I gave up contact with the outside world. It happens being a mom of a new baby. Then the friends you used to hang with you really can't anymore. Party, cookout drinking fest, movie. Nope. You have to watch your child that you chose, and is now your responsibility. Plus they won't take a bottle anyway. When you stay home you have to start all over with your social life. I had to join a playgroup of people I didn't know, seek out children for my kids to be around, and learn activities for them to do.

So that is what I held onto for a while. Even after nearly 3 years of being a SAHM, I was still resentful of it. I had a hard time seeing the importance of what I did. I didn't see the art of being a mother, the calling of it. One easy way to see how important you are is to imagine that you suddenly had to go away for a year. (It has to be sudden otherwise you know that us mothers would have everything in line for our families.) Would your family operate even half way functionally. Mine wouldn't. The kids social activities, schools, clothes, nutrition amongst other things would fall to the wayside. Brian wouldn't know who what when why where. Of course only to be fair if Brian had to suddenly go away for a year I would be lost too. In a fair family both parents have important roles. Brian is our provider, hello, can't have social activities, school, clothes, or food without money. But he is also the fun parent who makes up games, can always make the kids laugh, the bath giver, broke thing taker care of'er (you like that),and alarm clock setter. But really being the mother and wife is important. It is an art. It is a calling.

I used to cringe at the thought of a mother teaching her daughter "how to run a household". I had it in my head that it was limiting her, and probably for some it might be. Now, however, I have came to realize that running a household is not easy, and of the utmost importance.Whether a working or stay at home mom, it is not an easy thing to do.

Here is how I see things now:

• Yes I lost my body for a while. Nursing really seriously ties you down. Anyone that says, oh no big is full of it. It is not always butterflies and ponies. The heavens didn't open up and pour with love every time my kids nursed. But every once in a while it did. And when they weaned I was sad, because the day they were conceived they needed my body to sustain life. They day they were born the still needed me to sustain life. When they weaned, I was no longer connected to them in that way, although by that time my milk was more of a supplement, than a need. I am lucky that I was able to nurse when so many are not able. And as hard as it was to lose my body for a while, it was well worth it.
• I have made many wonderful friends that I would have never met if not for my children. The experiences and friends that I have due to Ellis and Lainey for exceed the temporary isolation I had when I first stepped into mommydom. When you build a family, you build a life. Children give you much more than the ever take away. They didn't take my identity away, they added to who and what I am.
• As far as my career goes, my Aunt said this and wow did this sink in. You have many more years to work in your life than you do to raise your children. I had Ellis when I was 28, and I had already worked for 12 years. Lets say I go back to work when Lainey is 18, I will be 47. Lets say I retire at 65. That is another 18 yrs. That is 30 years or working, and 20 raising the people I chose to bring into this world. I love my career, and really am looking forward to returning to it one day. I am glad I have my degree. But I am most glad about I have the opportunity to stay home with my kids. It is invaluable to me, although it is not for everyone.

Seven months later I am totally at peace with how everything is. Yes I stay at home, I bake bread from scratch, play with legos, and drive a mini-van. That does not subtract from my intelligence, or who I am. It only adds. Being a good mother takes a certain measure of organization, patience, and stamina. Yes there is nothing fancy about what I do, but what it is is important. I give up my selfish needs to serve my family, and it honestly doesn't even hurt.